New EU classification guidelines for labelling meat.In response to the recent series of what government are now calling ‘faux-pas’ over the content of some food products, the following labelling system will now be adopted for all foods combining meat, meat substitutes or carpet remnants disguised as meat.The new labelling will contain simple codes indicating the meat content of the foodstuff concerned, along with a colour indication of the price bracket that the product fits into:
Green – showing that the meat is considered economically viable for school meals, prison and hospital food, the elderly and the working classes;
Orange – showing that the food is suitable for special occasions, such as your daughter coming first in a show jumping competition (if she doesn’t come first, of course, you should just eat the horse.)
Red – showing that the food is only really affordable by royalty, foreign owners of premiership football clubs and those politicians not eating green category food on grounds of having been recently awarded a custodial sentence.
*- The animal and the cigarette. You can’t be picky at these prices.
** – Soylent Green is people! Just kidding¥. Even Lidl don’t do that. Yet. Probably.
***- Animals that are classified as four-legged; does not include careless spiders, Siamese-twin pigeons etc.
¥ – Soylent Green never contained people. The word Soylent is a portmanteau of Soy and Lentil. The author of the book was appalled that the film went with cannibalism as a plot device.